sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.