My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.