Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I saw nothing
S/o to @funTweeters .
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏