[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?