When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.