me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Happy Star Wars day!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
All. The. Damn. Time.