Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.