Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Thinking about Jeff
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.