Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?