I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”