Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website