LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
You Might Also Like
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Human are so complicated
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.