[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Expect the unexporcupine.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!