Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
You Might Also Like
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My Guy
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]