ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.