Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
You Might Also Like
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567