My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.