[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension