Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Pickled cat.