Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me buying fruit and veg
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership