Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”