OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
You Might Also Like
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
LA today:
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
This made me chuckle cuz mood
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.