Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”