[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I hope it’s French Onion!
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.