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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.