What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I found your tweet-up…
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.