“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Chemical wingman
i think we should see other cousins
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME