I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.