I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies