Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit