if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I feel seen
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked