did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Life cycle of cat
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY