Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.