“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Meow
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.