me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
You Might Also Like
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My current situation
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know