My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
welcome back