Interior design 👌
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off