May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?