Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Made something I’m not proud of
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?