Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.