Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
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I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”