Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
How animals would run if they were human
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look