ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.