I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
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i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Well well well…
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.