*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.