1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?