To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.