me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
LMAO
Everyone’s family
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure