God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Your secret is safeish with me
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.