I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
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I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
new year update: losing everything but weight
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.